This might be like tmi or whatever...

But I think that I might only be capable of sustaining one orgasm at a time. It's like, I get there once, pass through the brink shuddering and screaming, but then when I try to achieve bliss again, I can't get all the way there. Women are supposed to be able to have multiple orgasms, so I've been "testing" out this idea a lot, and it doesn't seem to be working. As it is, it takes me forever with my hand to come. It is like I just can't get turned on enough. My mind wanders and then I'm basically just chilling with my hand down my pant, trying to find something that feels good. I don't know... Maybe I'm just impatient? My finger always cramps my hand up and I lose the vibe when I stop.

Fear of the Absolutely Unknown(At least until tomorrow)

I'm going to be heading off to college in the fall, my first year away from home(even though home is honestly less than 15 minutes away, depending on traffic). Lately, I've been really freaking out, mainly because of my future roommate sitch. I opted to get a roommate randomly chosen, and therefore have NO IDEA who the hell I'm going to be living with for the next year. That's a scary thought in itself. Couple that with the fact that I am naturally pretty neurotic and you get a series of circumstances that play out in my head at night where my roommate hates me and is completely opposite of me: girly, super into guys, likes rap and is really vapid. I know that I don't have to be best friends with my roommate, but I want to forge some kind of connection at least! I mean, we are going to be LIVING TOGETHER! My second fear: what the hell do I do if my roommate is homophobic? Like blatantly so? Do I confront them? Do I hide forever in my rainbow-colored closet? I wanted college to be the first time when I actually felt comfortable being me, being gay. I've never had that before, ever, except maybe at Rainbow Creek(see the My Story page). It's always been a struggle for me, and I'm still hopelessly closeted and it's really fucking stifling in there, with all my girl-on-girl fantasies and autostraddle articles. I need to open it up and let in some fresh air. But at the same time, I'm like, shit! People are going to know that I'm gay. I'm going to be that one gay girl with the blue hair and butch outlook. Do I want that? Part of me doesn't even want to check out the LGBTQQ association, for fear that I'll automatically be labeled as "that gay girl with the blue hair." This seems like a legitimate fear. I want to fit in, obviously, but I also want a chance to be myself. Is it really possible to have your cake and eat it too?

Coming Out, Feminism, and Gender-bending

So, on Thursday night, I came out to the people that are in group with me. I didn't even mention the words "gay" or "lesbian". I just said that I felt closeted and explained my circumstances: that I was in love with my best friend who has a boyfriend. And all I got was support. It was scary and I was shaking, but nothing changed afterwards. Just me, and my view of people and life. Maybe the world isn't this awful, homophobic place after all... Well, okay, it isn't the world that's bothering me; it's my world that's the issue. I told my sister today that I wanted to join a feminist club once I'm in college and she said, "Don't be like that!" When I told her I already was a feminist, she scoffed. Her reaction made me feel stifled. She once told me that she didn't think we had anything in common and we never talked. Maybe that's because I feel like I have to hide myself from even her. Maybe I don't want to talk about guys and smoking weed like she does(I don't actually know about that second part... so that really isn't fair of me to say...) But still! She always gets on me about my appearance too, which bums me out. I just want to be me. There shouldn't be a problem with me wanting to wear men's cologne. I shouldn't be warned against cutting my hair short. What, is she worried that I'll look like a dyke? Well, maybe I want to play the part! Maybe that's who I am! I also really want to wear men's underwear. I see no problem with this. I'm just experimenting, trying to figure out what works for me. If I wear briefs or panties, who gives a shit! I'm just feeling angsty today. Pardon the extra bitchiness. I just feel so absolutely restricted to this little box that has been placed around me since the day I was found out to have female genitalia. It's not like I want to be a man, I'm not trans and I feel comfortable in my female body. I just want to have the chance to wear men's clothes, to cross-dress, should I so choose to. The end.

Lesbian Porn

Or should I say girl-on-girl porn? It was basically designed for men, by men. I'm not a crazy man-hating-dyke or anything like that, but seriously? The stuff that I'm watching now, the only thing honestly turning me on is the moaning, and even that is faked. It just turns me off watching women that are so obviously fucked by men on a regular basis. The eating out? Awkward. The kissing. More awkward. They were flicking tongues at each other. I just think that there should be porn out there made for women who like women. Not guys who get turned on by that. Watching this versus watching Brokeback Mountain makes me realize that some people are meant to act, and some are meant to entertain and create boners. Guess which one Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger are assigned to?